Why can’t we find true love, Who is the culprit here?
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We are all acquainted with the well-known phenomenon that Moths are notorious for their fatal attraction to flames. But we humans are no different to them when it comes to certain scenarios. Yes, I am talking about our romantic relationship.
According to a recent survey, 63% of the people are single. I would have not been surprised by this if this was the data in the late 90s when the only way to meet new people was through common friends or weddings. But in today’s internet age, where you can talk to a person sitting in the other corner of the world with just a few taps on your smartphone lying in your bed, surprises me. Something more surprising was that only 50% of the singles “claim” to be happy. But we often see people saying things like “Voluntarily single”, ”I am better of myself”, and “I am happy being single, don’t want someone to interfere and destroy my peaceful life” but the question is are they actually happy as they claim to be?.
Everyone needs someone whom they can go back to at the end of the day, where they feel safe. Someone who asks them at the end of the day how their day was. Someone with whom they can share everything without the fear of being judged. No matter how tough people claim to be deep down at some point of time in their life they crave these things. And there is nothing wrong with it, in fact, there are studies to prove that when a person feels cared for, valued, and has someone whom they can emotionally open up to their life expectancy increases by around 50%.
So why are people not able to find a partner? Firstly some of them have no clue what they are looking in for a partner! Here the solution is simple they should sit down and make a list of the traits they would want in a potential partner. The list should not be more than 4–5 points. Otherwise, they will face the problem that I will explain in the next point.
We humans are one of the creatures with the highest expectations. Our expectations also extend into our quest to find a partner for ourselves. We tend to go overboard and and a long list of things that a potential partner needs to check off in order to even have our slightest of attention. We unknowingly seek an idealized version of love, one that is flawless and without challenges. The pursuit of an idealized vision of the perfect partner leads to unrealistic expectations. This pursuit of perfection becomes a subconscious barrier, as we dismiss potential partners for not meeting unrealistic standards. But we need to understand that true love is not about finding flawless perfection but accepting and growing together through life’s challenges.
Sometimes our lingering scars from past heartbreaks or betrayals also prevent us from trusting anyone. The fear of intimacy becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, preventing the development of deep connections. The fear of vulnerability manifests in our behaviors that create emotional distance, preventing us from fully opening up to potential partners and unintentionally pushing them away whenever things start to get serious. We build walls around ourselves assuming a false sense of safety. We battle conflicting desires, torn between the fear of loneliness and the fear of getting hurt. These internal struggles manifest externally, affecting the quality of their relationships. Here the solution is simple yet difficult to implement. It involves taking risks, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, and challenging the ingrained beliefs that have held us back. We need to learn to trust people and understand that they too are genuinely looking for a caring, trustworthy partner just like us so that we can confront our fears together as a team.
The next biggest reason can be social media, here singles are spoilt for choices. With the rise of Dating Apps people have a large basket of choices for a potential partner but it’s all not sunshine and rainbows. Hick’s law comes into action stating that “the more choices you present your users with, the longer it will take them to reach a decision.” People are confused about which person is the best for them. This makes us to not make a decision and stay in the state “I am not sure about him/her”. The damage of social media just doesn’t stop here, it exacerbates this issue, showcasing curated snapshots of seemingly perfect relationships thus giving singles a false set of expectations thus raising a bar too high for any relationship to work, and fostering a sense of inadequacy of the current potential partner they are considering. Here the solution can be to understand that social media only shows the good side of things and no two persons are similar hence it’s incorrect to set expectations based on what you see on social media rather communicate your expectations and things would work out amazingly well. I will quote my words here “It’s not about finding the next best partner, it’s about when you decide to stop looking (because there will always be someone better but it’s about trusting and holding onto them through thick and thin)”
Sometimes when we look at people it is difficult to believe that they are longing for a partner. They might be keeping busy themselves working 5 days a week, partying on weekends, going on solo trips on vacations, attending family events, etc., and here is the reason why. Living alone can sometimes feel better than being in a scratchy day-to-day reality because if we never love we cannot be hurt and they simply don’t want to be hurt
Sometimes we unknowingly commit the following acts of self-sabotage
- Assuming the other person is Toxic/Rude/High Maintenance
- Reaching out to them at the time we already they might not be available (Call/text/In-person)
- Never Call back or Reply to their texts
- Not attending a party or avoiding conversations with strangers in a social gathering
- Declaring that all are boring and unattractive
In this way, we disappoint them before we give them a chance to disappoint us. This is the risk-free way to achieve a fake sense of safety that “we are not with the wrong partner and will soon find the right person”
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